Religious tradition has taught us that conflict is a dirty word and that couples who get into conflict must not be "spiritual enough."
This is NOT true! Conflict is a normal part of any marriage-the inevitable result of two different personalities put together.
To Fight Or Not to Fight
People respond to conflict in one of two ways:
- Fight
- Take flight (or avoid conflict)
Fighting Right
So, how can you "fight right" in your marriage?
- Discover your "fighting style."
When you fight, do you usually cry, yell, slam doors, give the silent treatment, get revenge, change the subject, etc...?
- Attack the problem, NOT the person.
Distinguish between your spouse and the problem he/she is causing. Your spouse is not the problem; what he/she is doing is the problem.For example, if my husband is leaving messes around the house, the messes are the problem, not him.
By attacking each other, neither of you will win. By attacking the problem as a team, both of you will win! Don't compete - collaborate!
- Decide together how you can solve the problem.
- Avoid these destructive behaviors:
- Accusing
- Getting defensive
- Attacking/calling names
- Passive-aggressive
- Silent treatment
- Physical violence
- Saying "always" and "never"