You ask your teen what is going on with their friends or at school, and this is what you hear:
“It’s fine.” or “Why do you care?”
You realize there’s not just a communication gap here, but a wall. It’s keeping you from entering your teen’s world.
I talked with several teens about why they don’t let their parents in. Here’s a look at what they had to say:
“They won’t listen. They just overreact.”
“My parents would be the greatest parents in the world if they didn’t ask me to be honest about my feelings and then get totally upset when I express my true feelings.”
“I wish they would have said they will love and accept me no matter what I choose to do or what friends I have.”
“I made a mistake with a boy and my parents drilled it out of me. They they told me they were going to talk to him and his parents. That made me feel like I could never trust them with anything again.”
You can see a lot of hurt and mistrust in these teens’ voices. Just what is it that is causing this barrier?
According to youth expert and pastor Jay Kesler, here are the top 10 things parents say to kill communication with their teens:
1. “Do as I say, not as I do.”
2. “I’m the adult, so I’m right.”
3. “Because I said so, that’s why.”
4. “You want to be what?”
5. “This room is a dump.”
6. “Can’t you do anything right?”
7. “Where did you find that?”
8. “You did what?”
9. “Can we talk about something else?”
10. “Can we talk about this later?”
As parents, we recognize that teens are still learning and need our guidance. They are prone to make bad decisions out of a lack of understanding or experience.
But to teens, these 10 statements all say, “I don’t care what you have to say or how you feel, you just need to do what I say.” When a teen perceives his opinion/ideas/person are not valued, or safe to share, he builds up a wall of protection.
Here are two ways to break through that wall:
1. Own your mistakes. Think back through situations that may have caused your teen pain: divorce, words exchanged in an argument, repeated words of accusation or insult. As parents, it’s our job to take responsibility when we’ve said or done something wrong. When you’ve identified these areas, go to your teen and ask for forgiveness. Be specific, too; don’t just say, “I’m sorry if I’ve ever hurt you.” As you change your actions, demonstrating that you mean what you said, your teen’s heart will begin to soften.
2. Listen to your teens. Really listen to them. James 1:19 says, “…be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” For most of us, we’re slow to listen, quick to speak and even quicker to get angry. If you want to break through to your teen, make an effort to hear and understand what they have to say without rushing to a quick judgement.
Most teens feel lonely because they feel their parents don’t really know them. The walls in your relationship have been up long enough. Break them down and get to know your teen once again! By admitting your failures, asking forgiveness, really listening, and sharing your heart, you’ll be amazed at how restoration will happen in your relationship.
Ron Luce was the co-founder and president of Teen Mania Ministries from 1986-2015. Ron and his wife Katie dreamed to raise young people who would change the world.
Ron received his bachelor's degree in Psychology and Theology from Oral Roberts University and his master's in Counseling Psychology from the University of Tulsa, along with an honorary doctorate from Jerry Falwell of Liberty University. He is a sought-after speaker who has traveled to more than 60 countries and has made numerous media appearances, such as Dr. James Dobson's Focus on the Family radio broadcast, CNN, The O'Reilly Factor, ABC Nightline, The 700 Club, Trinity Broadcasting Network, and the Sean Hannity Show. Ron has also written 35 books for teens, youth pastors, and parents and continues to speak at leaders' conferences helping parents and pastors understand the plight of today's youth and showing them how all of us can be part of the solution.
Ron and Katie currently live in Garden Valley, Texas, with their son Cameron. They have two daughters, Hannah and Charity.