I think whoever invented control-top pantyhose for women was a genius. That person must be rich, too, because almost every woman wants to buy those things.

Incidentally, have you ever noticed that the women who buy those are also the ones who need them the worst? Let me tell you what I’m talking about.

I’ve been in the department store when women are trying on clothes, and I can always tell the ones wearing control-tops. I could be all the way at the front of the store, and I’d still hear the sounds of a woman trying to get her control-tops straightened out: Snap, snap, pow! She’s grunting and groaning, trying to get her big rear end fitting right into this little, bitty stocking. Some women really get a workout, man.

But once she gets that control-top in place and slides that dress on, look out! Here she comes out of the dressing room, saying, “Look, honey. How do you like it?” Her husband doesn’t even have a chance to answer, because all of a sudden a run starts busting up the front of those stockings. It looks like a tumor bursting out from underneath.

I think it’s funny myself. Have you ever seen how itty bitty those control-tops are without the woman in there?

How does she ever get herself into something so tiny? I don’t know, but you can tell when it’s over. It will pop like a shotgun when it doesn’t work. She needs a healing in her waistline when it goes wrong. And if it does go on without running and bursting, it usually doesn’t fit quite right.

She starts walking funny, like those hose have gotten something caught in them that she’s trying to get out. She’s walking around kicking at the air, trying to loosen things up. Then she grabs at the control-top and starts pulling on it. Tell me how you are not going to notice something like that?

Those things shouldn’t be called control-tops at all. To be truly correct, they should be called control-bottoms. That’s where women gain the weight! The difference between a woman and a man gaining weight is that a man gains it in the front, whereas a woman gains it in the back.

When you look at an overweight woman and say, “Boy, it looks like you gained a little weight there, huh, Mamma?” She may say, “Where? I don’t see anything?” Of course she can’t see it! All of it’s trailing back behind her! She’ll be walking and knocking things over, and she can’t even see why. Crash! Bam! “Ooops, sorry,” she says.

Another thing, you can always tell a woman is wearing control-tops by how they look on her knees. The threads are bare up around the kneecaps because every time she goes to sit down, the thing gets stressed out. When her knees bend in those control-tops, the threads start to bust and her skin turns all white because there’s no blood coming into it. Sometimes, all that’s holding the fat back is a few threads! You think, “Boy, if that sucker splits, it’s going to kill us all.”

I love to notice things like this about people. In fact, I just love watching people. People are so hilarious, and they don’t even know it. They’re just living their lives, and they don’t even know that they’re unique creatures.

I love people. They constantly amaze me. When I look at all the different kinds of people there are, it just fills me with awe for what God has created. God said that it was good when He sat back and looked at His creation, but I think that was an understatement. I think people are great – exploding control-tops and all. Don’t you?