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Now here is another myth, especially in the mind of a man: that it all comes naturally. But that just isn't true. There are some natural things that happen, but if you want to be a good lover to your wife, there are other things you can do besides the natural things. It is a learning, discovering process.

What a lot of men have done is to lean more towards the discovering process. In other words, they say, "I'm too embarrassed to discuss it." Or "I'm too ashamed to admit I don't know it all." Or "I don't have anybody I can talk to about it. And even if I did, I don't think I would feel comfortable with someone explaining to me about having sex and experiencing love with my wife."

Not too many men are really comfortable in this particular setting, because their egos are under attack, as if they were automatically supposed to know all about it.

For the most part, we men were not taken aside early in our lives by our fathers and told all about the area of life which has come to be termed "the birds and the bees." Instead, we got most of our information from the street. What we learned out there was how to fulfill our self-centered pleasures. We didn't hear anything about the other side of the husband-and-wife relationship, which is based on good, satisfying, pleasurable lovemaking.

So because men haven't heard the other side, they go into marriage with a limited philosophy. This will immediately cause alarms to go off in their marriage because they have never corrected the wrong information they had learned about having sex or making love to their wife.

Now what's the difference between having sex and making love?

Having sex is just the mechanical, self-centered satisfaction a man achieves when he has orgasm. At that moment, he is considering no one but himself. But when making love, he always considers his wife before considering himself. That means the process of making love is not just limited to intercourse; this is something he is doing all of the time, including the time of intercourse.

Many people have been defensive about their knowledge and skill as lovers, feeling that they must pretend to know it all or else have to admit to their personal deficiencies. And that's why I am talking about this area. I don't want you to get defensive over your ego and pretend you know it all. I simply want to deal with you about the process of making love with your wife. Hopefully, through it you will find ways to critique and judge yourself so you can become a better lover to your wife.

Stages of Making Love

Let's dig right into the process of lovemaking by going through the basic stages involved. We will be looking into things that are very important, things we didn't hear when we were learning about sex on the street.

If you are young and still single, I feel it's important that you learn the right perspective and no longer be subject to wrong ideas. I really believe young men need to learn the right way God intends for them to go when preparing themselves to be the lover to the wife they have chosen for the rest of their lives. Are you ready?

Regarding the process of making love, I want you to realize that it doesn't concern you alone. If you are looking to please only yourself, my brother, you are starting off with the wrong attitude; from the beginning you will be missing it. The act of making love involves not only you, but your wife. It takes two people to tango.

Your objective, your mind-set, should be: I must please her at all costs. And it will take some discipline on your part to reach this goal. That's when you will run into this huge area of selfishness - what you find in your life that pleases you.

So, let's lay some ground rules for the process of making love.

The Setting
First, there is a need for privacy.

You have to understand that a woman's psyche is emotional. She must be completely and totally relaxed. If there is any threat to the emotional part of her, particularly a lack of security when it comes to privacy, then she will never feel comfortable enough to view the experience as enjoyable.

Lock Your Bedroom Door
So make sure you have a lock on your bedroom door. If you don't have one, get one. In fact, it would be good to have a bedroom and bathroom that are isolated from the rest of your home. Then there would be complete privacy in that area.

If you have children, you need to train them to knock before entering your bedroom. This is very important. It could be an embarrassing or confusing situation, depending upon the age of your child, if he or she quickly opened the door and just came right on in. It can also be really frustrating to the lovemaking process.

My wife and I spent time training our kids to always knock before entering our room when the door was closed and to wait for our response before entering. Anytime they came in without knocking, we made them go back out and do it right.

You have to train your kids from an early age. Even when they knock on your bedroom door, you would want the security of having a lock. Then they can't misunderstand you and say afterward, "Oh, I thought you said, 'Come in.'"

So, put locks on your bedroom door and train your children accordingly. It's important that you provide this feeling of security for your wife. Remember, the part she has to deal with is the emotional psyche.

Adjust the Lighting
Lighting is important during the sexual encounter. You need to understand that during lovemaking the husband is greatly stimulated by being able to see his wife's body and by watching her responsive movements and expressions of delight to his actions toward her. So it's good for him when the lights in the room are turned on. But some wives are unable to abandon themselves to the maximum expression of enjoyment by having sex in a room with a lot of light.

Your wife may not necessarily be stimulated by much lighting. She may be somewhat overweight or feel uncomfortable for some other reason. In any case, she just is not satisfied with so much lighting. Often, this can be solved by your expressions of love and appreciation for her. You might want to get a dimmer and set it between darkness and soft lighting. Then you both will satisfy your eyes; and it will satisfy her ability to enjoy herself without feeling all the insecurities that she might feel about her body.

It's important that you get just the right amount of light in the room. If your wife likes more light, then you can make the necessary adjustment. But it is vital that the atmosphere be set up to the satisfaction of both.

Now there are some other things I want to add to having the right atmosphere.

Make It a Pleasurable Night
This is not really talked about much, but it means a lot to the woman when the man will take the time to shave or shower before making love with her. This communicates to your wife that you feel it important enough to involve yourself in preparation for the big event.

Maybe you are a single man who will be facing the honeymoon experience for the first time after marriage. If you are, you need to recognize that sexual intercourse could be somewhat painful for your new wife (assuming she has never experienced it before). So you both need to talk about different lubrications that can be used to avoid a painful experience on your honeymoon night. It should be a pleasurable night.

It's also important for a man to avoid falling asleep at that time. It would be good for you to have a cold glass of water there on the nightstand to drink. You might also want to keep a couple of towels in the top drawer. You see, at the moment you have completed lovemaking, you might feel like getting up; but that's the time your wife needs to be held and talked to.

You need to concentrate simply on pleasing your wife with tenderness, with romantic words, with warmth, with cuddling, with total body caressing. It should be done in a meaningful way that shows your appreciation of her. She needs to feel that she is a desirable woman to you, and she must be aroused emotionally. That's the key: developing emotional intimacy through physical closeness. Whatever is affecting her emotions will affect that time of intercourse.

In the next segment, we will look at "foreplay."


Creflo Dollar Ministries
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Author Biography

Creflo A. Dollar
Web site: World Changers Ministries
 
Creflo Dollar is the founder and senior pastor of World Changers Church International (WCCI) in College Park, Georgia; World Changers Church-New York; and a host of fellowship churches throughout the United States and internationally. WCCI also has offices in Australia (serving the Asia-Pacific region), South Africa, Canada, the United Kingdom, India, and the Ukraine.
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