To be certain you are hearing someone accurately, especially in conflict resolution, use paraphrases to reiterate to the person what you believe you have heard him say.

For example, you may need to say something like this: "Okay. Let me be sure I've heard you correctly. I understand that you think I believe this and this and I did that. Is that what you said?"

This technique will keep both of you from misunderstanding. It also allows the other person an opportunity to validate your understanding, and it short-circuits distorted communication caused by the hurt feeling so often present in these kinds of exchanges.

It Improves Your Listening Skills
Paraphrasing what the other person has said is one of the most effective tools I have ever used in becoming a good listener.

Basically, it makes you listen to the other person. It enables that person to validate your interpretation, and it promotes valuable exchanges, making growth the result.

The best communicator is a good listener. In the book of James, the Lord makes it clear: Be swift to hear.

Then He says to be slow to speak. That means do not engage your tongue before you engage your brain.

Our responses are usually generated out of our emotions; we respond quickly to what has been said before we have intellectually measured the wisdom of saying what has popped into our minds.

If you establish a pattern of responding slowly, when you get to the point where you're ready to "flame someone," you can get hold of yourself.

Take three or four breaths before you respond, particularly to something inflammatory. Be sure you hear what is really on the other person's mind before you answer. By doing so, you'll see yourself becoming a much better communicator and listener.

Source: Positioned For Promotion by Mac Hammond.
Excerpt permission granted by Harrison House Publishers